FAITH

I worry worry worry worry about the worst thing that could happen in a situation and I am afraid to let myself be happy again.
I think to much..
I have to look at a situation differently and maybe see the good that's potentially could happen.. Not let the fear consume me..
Major change or something I have to do. I fear it.. I have to hit the fear head on, and get through it..
Somewhere I get stuck in the obsessiveness.
I will not let anxiety take over me.
The more I overpower it and stop it.. The more I work through it..
The quicker I conquer it.

broken hearts and empty DREAMS

There has to be something more to life than this. I feel life has been a series of pulling the short stick as "THEY" say. At 32 I am pretty much sick of "them". Whoever "They" are.
Tired of the broken hearts and empty dreams.
Watching the clouds drift by on this sunny afternoon reminds me of watching my dreams slowly drift past me. Dreams we have when we are little. What we think we are going to do with our lives. But how what I thought I once might do seems so out of reach. Dreams they come and go. But waiting for the next one can sometimes seem so distant from where you may be standing, like from my perspective right now.
True (finish my sentence) Love seem so distant and beyond reach.
Reaching for something and thinking that's what you want. Convincing yourself that what your grasping onto is real. Well life is made up of a lot of things that crumble before us.
Sometimes what your looking at is your imagination exaggerating what you've always dreamed of and convinced yourself that what you wanted is right in front of you. The real deal or your imagination? Your the only one who can figure it out.

I don't want to be fool-hearted but I am. A hopeless romantic with lots of broken dreams and empty hearts, pretty much what I am left with at the end of the day is whatever I make of it. REAL or IMAGINE.

Do you Belong?

Do you ever feel like you just don't belong? Honestly, like deep down in your core you feel this unending desire to just get up and leave. Maybe you should be doing something else.
Perhaps you are wasting your time. Perhaps you are supposed to be doing something all together different, something you have always yearned to do.
Well, I do.
I feel this clawwing at my soul. I feel an uncomfortablness that has settled into my bones. I feel the burning desire to follow my dreams.

The Question is " What do I do about it?"

Complicated

As I sit alone in a hotel lobby, I wonder when I got so impatient. When did I allow people to bother me. How am I so sensitive to things that people do? I am annoyed, aggravated, dissapointed, frustrated and sad all at once. Mostly at myself.
I don't know when I became so intolerant of other people. Their behaviors for instance, do I project an entitled attitude? I am asking cause I am offended by this in someone else. Do I present this same type of attitude?
If so I am sorry, I am utterly offended and consumed with annoyance at the present moment.

Do I go through life like this? Not caring how I come across to others. Not sorry for any inconvenience that I may cause. No worries of how I may impact your world.

This is an obvious hurdle in my life. But what roads brought me to this? I have always been so open minded.

What's changed? Well, a lot I guess.
My beliefs, thoughts, attitude, emotions. I am constantly refocusing my attention on how I can be a better person, but if I cant even tolerate the intolerable, how can I strive to be better??

Hope

Somehow this post got deleted. I am kinda irritated about it. But what can you do.

Love Everlasting

I have always held love in such high regard on my list. I still believe in fairy tale love and that my prince is coming for me. Maybe not on a horse galloping in to sweep me off my feet in the literal sense, but in the true sense of what love means to me, He is coming and today I realized that I am not giving up.
I have broken many hearts and had mine broken as well and through it all I thought that God put me here to fix the fixer uppers and get them ready for their true loves. It seemed like I couldn't get it right.
Especially the past year when someone I really loved came into my life and sometimes no matter how great it seems, it's just not for you. Not here, not now, not in this lifetime. That was crushing to say goodbye.
So I have taken my issue up with God. I have been angry with him I've realized. (Yes I know, who gets mad at God) I will raise my hand now.
I felt that I was deserving of pure, wonderful, magical love. The kind I think of in my head, for instance the end of the movie "Pretty Woman" when Richard Gere heads back to the city in his limo standing and singing opera out of the top of the sunroof to an unsuspecting Julia Roberts his true love.)
I fantasize that my true love will be just as corny and beautiful in all its splendor.
Lately I have been hearing people saying in God's time. I have trouble seeing past Amanda's time, cause for 31 years I have been doing things on my watch or so it seems. So putting something as large as my soulmate in to the hands of God a man I can't see or touch, has been tough for me.
Until today, someone "pretty amazing" made me see the other perspective. You know the perspective we usually don't see until it's too late or its slapped you upside the head.
Well he shared with me that my past relationships in all there beauty and splendor or suckiness depending on the relationship, are God's way of preparing us for our TRUE LOVE!
It's Gods way of bringing me through the difficult aspects of love so that when I meet my soul mate, I will already know what to do or not do.
Wow imagine. All this time it was right in front of my face the most obvious of answers....
As much as "I want it now Daddy. I want the Golden Goose."
Well whining and crying will not prepare me for what I really want but waiting and listening will.
　
This is where I now wait for it is in God's hands and in his time..........